There are a lot of times that I would just like to breakdown and cry. I had to endure the pain of heartbreaks, failure and some sort of self assessment that ends up to the question of being not enough. And looking back, we all have those moments that you just wish that didn’t happened but unfortunately it did and you are now in the situation of doing another set of new “moments” which we don’t know if it is unforgettable bad or unforgettable good.
After days of sobbing, days of staying inside your room, and have drinking sessions with good friends… You later on realized that you should stop.
And now why am I saying this? I just wanted to share a feeling…
The feeling of being lost again when in fact you are in a familiar place.
[You, being lost in transition, overwhelmed yet so excited to face all the challenges that you’ve heard from some familiar people and to prove to the world that you can.
You started from scratch; then the situation you got into is too good to be true.
You have choices…
The A which is your current situation, come what may… without thinking about the other stuff.
The B which is the future situation, the situation you really wanted to be in, without thinking about the other stuff.
And The C which is the negative situation you imagine all the time, without thinking about the other stuff.
You choose B.
You are happy about your choice. You feel that you made the right decision. You paved the way just to reach that point.
And now, you realized that you could do better.
And from then on, you struggle, you face all the consequences but the choice you made suddenly seemed wrong. Why?
That is the turning point.
You wanted to cry. You wanted to give up and forget those feelings overnight. But it won’t happen.
You are emotionally unstable; you have the feeling of mess up and fuck up at the same time.]
Let’s try to go back to your choices… you forgot that there are *other stuff to be considered in all the choices…
We just have to weigh things to somehow lessen the pain you are in.
“LET IT GO” or “LET IT FLOW”
Let it go. It will hurt you. Let it flow. It will hurt you.
Just make sure that you will not multiply all the regrets you seemed to imagine after making another decision. Choose the “worth it” kind of hurt.
It will eventually change….
Just have faith to your good fate. I am here not to judge your decision but to understand the situation; I am here not to convince you to stop but to support you whatever your decision is. And when you say that you failed then I am here to hug you and I know you will make another way. If not, sorry to us?
And when I see you succeed, I assure you, I am one of the first people who will be really happy for you.
“I am going through a whirlwind of emotions right now.”
Sometimes I am wondering how those people maintain the ability to be happy and hide all their problems and showing how they live their life as easy as counting Sheeps then they fell asleep.
That is not even easy for me! especially when my body is so tired but my brain won’t stop that “24/7 working hours”. Anyway, no one to blame because I got used to doing the tasks that is mentally written in my head. I just can’t stop!
Workaholic? I hope not. I still have my daily dose of social interactions with my family, friends, colleagues, and some people who actually thinks I’m interesting. THANK YOU! (HAHA! Ganda ko sa part na ito!)
And also I still have that time for improving the different aspects of my life. But geez. If only I have a lot of time and money…I will extend these times! But I think I can make it by taking one baby step at a time.
Oh. Then… there it is! Love month, everyone is so excited about it because they can actually flaunt their relationship status in all the social networking sites, or even talk about it over coffee or dinner.
Just like “Hey! I’m in a relationship… kisses and hugs, chocolates and flowers and PS. mamamatay ka sa inggit!”, while the singles will say… Hey! I’m single, HAPPY as ever be and PS. I just don’t f*cking care about your updated profile pictures, cover photo or IG moment with your babe! :P
And there are those who just press “like”. Because they are a good friend and they don’t have a choice. (This tells you that their relationship status is none of your business!)
And I will definitely like to be part of the latter! XD
Seriously, I happened to know some people who are in between. (Hindi obvious sa kanila) Who doesn’t give so much fuss about love month, they just wanted to spread love! (Superficial!) But it is better to think that way than to be so emotional about it.
*Let’s just say that you don’t celebrate Chinese New year because you are not Chinese.
And dahil dun nga ako sa inbetween… I am more excited to see my ex with his new girl! Just Kidding! I am not that masochist or stoic. *XD
Seriously, I am more excited to spend the love time with mi loves…
I have a date on Feb 14…
*prepare something sweet for my mom.
*A party with my college friends.
So that’s it! wala din… whirlwind parin!
I still have a lot of issues to handle and life goes on and I have to deal with it or else, I may end up wasting my time in front of the computer screen playing “the Sims, the newest among the newest version” because my character’s life is more interesting than mine. Sheez. I don’t like that idea.
“You may say I’m a dreamer but I am not the only one.” - Imagine
I feel weary.
I have doubts that I am not a skilled writer, seriously, I didn’t get a chance to joined any writing workshop, I am an average student in all my writing subjects and I don’t have that expertise in checking my grammar, my English, even my trail of thoughts. I have limited vocabularies and limited access to great things.
But I can write. I can express. I have experiences to share, I have my passion for creating stories and somehow I have my masterpieces recognized…
Enlighten me. Are these enough?
I accept the challenge.
I just need a little boost, and lot of knowledge and hard work…
I wanted to be a writer, a screenplay writer to be more specific.
So here I am writing essays, news updates and random thoughts.These are my chances. A gateway for reaching my goals, I know these things will lead me to something…
If I am not going to be a writer, then… I shall continue to what God have prepared for me.
* Punong puno ng positivity ang post na ito. Pero hindi ito superficial. Sadyang mas gusto kong ishare yung mas masayang alaala.
Kung magsusulat ako ng libro o gagawa ng pelikula about the Year 2012 baka boring pa para sa inyo, o sabihin ninyo “yan na yun?” Technically, Yan muna sa ngayon. I’m still Young and Late bloomer pa. Marami pang taon ang isheshare ko sa inyo at sa mundong ito. Wag kang excited?! Huh?!
Ayun nga, kanya kanya naman tayo ng drama sa buhay. Kanya kanya ng interpretation ng saya, lungkot at excitement. Ang exciting at thrilling para sa akin, maaaring hindi para sayo. Hindi naman kailangan ng OA na kontrabida at Masasakit na eksena. Yun ang pinagkaiba ng realidad natin sa mundo ng imahinasyon. MAS MASAKIT ANG REALITY. MAS KOMPLIKADO.
Moving on, anu nga ba ang highlights ng year 2012 ko?
Hmm… Eto kasi yung taon na para sa akin punong puno ng transitions, From being a student to being part of the so-called real world. From being constrained to being independent.. proving to yourself that you are living Happily and believing that your Young, Wild and Free. while facing everyone with straight face while saying “I can do it! Watch and Learn!” and you know that you just stumbled and cried for quite sometimes. Though I am still in the process of convincing myself that it won’t be the same anymore.
January. My Favorite Month. New Beginning kasi ang dating niya para sa akin.
Sa pagkakatanda ko, Busy lang ako sa sabay-sabay na school works, sa pag-“aura” (hihi…), at sa pag spend ng time ko sa iba’t ibang aspeto ng buhay.
- Ipinanganak ang OTW (Yun yung Short Film namin!)
- Nakapunta ako sa CALERUEGA. Retreat. Ang ganda ganda kasi talaga! Masarap Balik balikan yung memories ng BATCH namin dun.
- At Syempre in love ako ng mga panahon na ito. HAHAHA!
February, Mas lalong naging Busy ang CABATCH2012.
Busy sa pag-aaral at paglalakwatsa. Eto ata yung month na nasa dorm lang kami para magkwentuhan at matulog. (Aww.. I miss my dormmates!) All day, and almost all night nasa labas, NPA kami nun. No Permanent Address.
- Dito nararamdaman ko na yung sinasabi nilang Graduation Jitters. Masyado pang maaga at marami pang pwedeng mangyari pero ramdam na ramdam ko na yung kaba kasi naman sa mga susunod na buwan bihira ko nalang makakasama yung mga taong halos araw araw kong kasama.
- Ubusan ng Pera, Ubusan na din ng Pasensya. Ubusan din ng kaibigan. Dahil sa School works.
- February din yung gabing sinabi ko kina Mamang na “hindi na ako uulit” ng paulit-ulit. May inubos kasi ako nun na hindi naman dapat. Ang sakit sakit ng ulo ko kinabukasan. T_T (I am literally and emotionally drunk!)
MARCH. GRADUATION (PackingBananaSheez!) Finally! Totoong Graduate na ako sa pagiging estudyante! Graduate na din sila Mama at Papa sa pagpapaaral sa akin.
- Wala na akong Student Discount.
- Wala na akong weekly allowance. Less lakwatsa. Less Social life. Huhuhu
- At higit sa lahat… Anu na ang gagawin ko after? Saan na ako pupunta? Haiz! Anu na kayang mangyayari sa amin?
Medyo OA, pero after graduating naramdaman ko yung parang wala akong direction. Though I have future plans, I had a hard time deciding which way to go. Which door should I open. Hmm.. Hirap kaya ako.. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula.
Ahhmm… also my Favorite month. Ang dami kasing ganap, nakapag-beach ako, nakapag isip-isip na ako ng gusto kong gawin sa buhay… though draft palang alam ko na kung saan ako magsisimula at eto yung ginagawa ko para maachieve yung Long and Short term goals ko.
- Start within your reach. Then dream on!
- Be patient and work Hard.
- Be Matured.
Also this month, A love story is written just in front of me.
MAY. JOBSEEKER Mode
Sakit sa ulo! Hahaha! Mahirap talagang maghanap ng Trabaho! Swear! Naranasan kong mag-walk in, pero more more parin sa gala yun. Tapos syempre, magpamudmod ng Resume sa Jobstreet, JobsDB at sa internet. I just wanted to have a job! which is not advisable…
I had my first Job as a Production Staff. After one week nagresign ako.
Reason… this Job is not for me! PERIOD! Hahaha! So Hindi siya considered na first major job ko.
Then luckily, I got my first official Job as a Project Coordinator in an Events Company. Kahit nakakapagod, at nakakaloka ang mga Out of town trips. I love my job! With all the perks and freebies. Tsaka, sanay na ako sa paghandle ng events eh. (THANK YOU – LIMO, KABLE at LETRAN!)
JUNE. FIRST JOB.
Mabilis lumipas yung Month ng June ko. Maybe because I am so busy with my work, then busy din ako sa pakikipagkita sa mga kaibigan ko at sa kanya.. on the rocks na yun eh.
Followed by JULY
The sudden changes JUST HAPPENED..
- Suddenly he’s gone.
- Suddenly I lost myself. Desperate and naive. Sheez.
“I think— I think when it’s all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories, but it just all comes back. But he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It’s not really anything he said, or anything he did. It was the feeling that came along with it. And.. crazy thing is, I don’t know if I’m ever gonna feel that way again. But I don’t know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright. But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks.. so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that, when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him, it was losing me.
I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are.” –T.S. Monologue
ohh Sapat na ang monologue na ito sa nawalang greatest love ko! ;P
Of course, my month. My Birthday.
This month, medyo painful siya kasi nga may nangyari nung July, pero at least, nangyari siya before.. kasi mas gusto ko naman yung mauna yung pain bago yung saya.
Luckily, mas naramdaman ko yung term na “Moving Forward. Moving on.” With the help of my family and friends.
Unlike before, this one is the most painful pero eto din yung pinaka madali. Cliche! But I think mas naging matured kasi ako dahil sa nangyari. A day being crazy is enough na.
Tsaka… I know that there is no great formula for love. We don’t pick who we fall in love with. And it never happens like it should be.
“Para saan ba ang pagmamahal kung alam mo namang masasaktan ka?”
“Para sa pagkakataong maging masaya at mahalin.” Yeah!
SEPTEMBER to Remember!
This month is really good to me. I learned how to manage my time. Balance my responsibilities and love myself much much much more.
“AKO NA ULIT ITO!”
Tapos Hello CMMA!
Biglang naging sulit yung lahat ng pagod at hirap namin. Lalo na para sa akin. Masterpiece ko kaya ito! chos.. seriously, iba yung feeling na marecognized yung gawa namin at nagka-award pa! Best feeling talaga yun!
OCTOBER. Realization. PAKK!
Yay.. after 3 months. Mareregular na ako sa work ko, ng suddenly…
Biglang nagtext sa akin yung company na inaapplayan ko before.
Kung aatend ako pangatlo na itong examination na gagawin ko sa kanila. I told my mom/Spiritual Adviser about it! And she told me to take the examination. Sabi pa niya “kung hindi naman para talaga sayo yun, hindi naman din ibibigay sayo yun. Itry mo na rin. Sayang yung chance.” Medyo negative na may pagkapositive si Mama sa part na ito. Pero I took the exam. After 2 weeks, they called me for an interview. Then another interview.. then another one.
*May work ako nung mga panahon na ito, maswerte siguro ako dahil napupuntahan ko parin yung interview nila, but swear, Hindi ko inaasahan yun. Hindi na kasi ako nagsesend ng resume dun sa company na yun.
And then, my boss gave me the new contract to sign.
Regular na ako kapag nagsign ako dun. But she told me na kukunin niya sa akin yun after two weeks kasi pupunta siya ng Cebu.
I had enough time to think about it.
NOVEMBER. GOD time is GOOD time!
Ang pinakamahirap para sa akin ang pagpili. Usually mali yung pinipili ko eh! Hahaha!
Pero hindi ko naman pinagsisihan. And this time. Dapat pag-isipan na talaga.
“Gusto ko talagang maging writer” YUN ANG BASIS KO.
*Totoo pala yung sinasabi nila na bihira ang mga taong nagtatagal sa First Job nila… unless yun talaga yung inaasam-asam nila.
So, after contemplating… I talked to my boss.. (Super maswerte ako sa kanya!)
I didn’t signed the contract and I filed my resignation. But she didn’t accept my resignation. “end of Contract” nalang daw, then she also gives me a chance to work with them as a partimer, habang hindi pa ako nagstart magwork.
Hello ARAW AWARDS Nomination for OTW na din.. :))
DECEMBER. Answered prayers!
Ang daming nangyari sa akin, ang dami kong realization na gustong ishare pero mas hahaba pa siguro ito.
Basta Super thankful talaga ako sa lahat ng nangyari sa akin, Yung pagkakaroon ng chance at pagpapa-experience sa akin ni Bro.
Iyak Tawa ako sa taong ito pero nagpapasalamat ako dahil kumpleto ang Pamilya ko, Nadagdagan pa, nandyan yung mga kaibigan ko, at yung mga nagpapakilig sa akin. And of course naging mas close pa ako kay Bro. Yun naman talaga ang mahalaga.
Currently, I have 2 part time Jobs and one official Job this new year.
Then, Nagpapakahealthy living ako! Pero hindi parin maaalis sa sistema ko ang paglalakwatsa, pagkain ng kahit anu, panunuod ng movies, at pagiging si Shawiy.
I could not ask for more. Thank you 2012!
so 2013 Aangkinin na din kita ah! <3
Kung anu man ang Hatid mo ngayon! Tuloy parin ako!
*hindi ito partikular kung paano ka magmahal, kung labis man o kulang, mababaw o malalim.
Mamahalin mo ang hilaga, silangan, kanluran, at timog ng kanyang pagkatao, aangkinin ang kasulok sulukan ng kanyang katawan, kilalanin mo kung sino siya at iintindihin kung magiging sino man siya sa mga susunod na mga araw na magkasama kayo.
Mamahalin mo ang katalinuhan niya o maging ang ka - bobohan, tatanggapin mo ang mga pagkakamali niya. pupuriin ang kagalingan, susuportahan, at aawayin paminsan..
ipaparamdam ang kahalagahan niya sa mundong ito kahit pa pangit, mataba o anu mang panlalait sa kanya ng mga tao sa paligid ninyo.
Tunay kasi ang nararamdaman mo.
Kahit minsan ay minumura mo na siya sa isip mo dahil nagawa ka niyang saktan,
Kahit minsan gusto mo na lang siyang iwan at kalimutan…
Kahit minsan gusto mo nalang isuka siya sa sistema mo dahil parang nagsasawa ka na
Kahit minsan ay nasasabi mo sa sarili mo na “mas maganda/gwapo/matalino/magaling/seksi/mabait/gentleman si Ano sa kanya!”, “ehh ayoko sa ugali niyang yun”, “Bakit ba siya ang minahal ko?”
Minsan maiisip mo yun, minsan magtataka ka…
Buti nalang yung minsan hindi naging madalas..
Madalas ka niyang pasayahin. Madalas ka niyang paiyakin sa sobrang katatawa,
madalas ka niyang intindihin. madalas ka niyang bigyan ng mga alaala, yung tipong hindi ka makatulog sa gabi dahil kinikilig ka.
Madalas ka niyang lambingin, at madalas niyang iparamdam sayo na mahal ka niya at para sa kanya sapat ka na.
Buti nalang dahil sa kanya, natutunan mo na kahit maraming “mas” at maraming “better”, Hindi mo na hinahanap yun dahil may rason ka.. yung rason na kahit kanino hindi mo maexplain. kahit sa kanya..
Yung rason na nagturo sayo ng salitang “kontento”. Yung salitang “Best” dahil kahit corny mang pakinggan, para sayo siya ang Best.
kahit hindi nakakatawa yung joke niya, natatawa ka..
Kahit hindi siya marunong manuklay, para sayo seksi parin yun..
kahit ang tanga niya minsan… at sobrang talino mo kasi… cute parin siya sayo..
at kahit hindi kayo mag-usap basta magkasama at magkatabi kayo, pakiramdam mo daig mo pa ang Grand Lotto Winner dahil kasama mo yung taong nagparamdam sayo na..
Tunay ang nararamdaman mo.
1. Are looks important in a relationship?
No. More of Personality and Perspective
2. Are relationships ever worth it?
Yes. we learn from it, either to become more stupid or wiser.
3. Are you open for a relationship?
4. Are you in a relationship?
5. Are you in love?
No. Haven’t felt any high highs again.
6. Are you single this year?
7. Can you commit to one person?
8. Describe your crush?
He has a nice voice, Cute smile and he smells good :)
9. Describe your perfect mate?
Someone who see our relationship worth keeping, kahit imperfectly perfect ang relationship namin, yung willing na makasama ako kahit saan man kami dalhin ng panahon at pagkakataon.
10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No. Haha.. Crush lang yan kung bata ka pa o kaya “kati” lang yan sa matatanda.
11. Do you ever want to get married?
Yes. With the right person at the right time.
12. Do you forgive betrayal?
Yes. But forgetting things is crucial for me. It takes time.
13. Do you get jealous easily?
14. Do you have a crush on anyone?
15. Do you have any piercings?
16. Do you have any tattoos?
17. Do you like kissing in public?
I don’t mind.. but I am sure I am not the one initiate it. :)
20. Do you shower every day?
Yes. And actually Twice a day.
21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
I am not sure? Maybe.
22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
I don’t know.. isn’t too soon? :)
25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?
No. I only have a half month,.
26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?
28. Have you ever been cheated on?
29. Have you ever cheated on someone?
30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?
No. I so love myself HAHA! not my thing.
31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
Yes. I’m such a crybaby
32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?
33. Do you prefer foreplaying before sex?
34. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
35. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
36. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
37. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
38. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
39. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?
NO. More of Letters and Blogs
40. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?
Hindi dapat inuoorasan yun! ;)
41. How long was your longest relationship?
almost 2 years and a half
42. How many boyfriends have you had?
43. How many people did you kiss in 2011?
Many to mention. haha.
44. How old are you?
45. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
“Go on.. There’s tons of fish in the water..” haha! ;P
46. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
I’m Single so next question please.
47. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
48. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
49. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?
Yes. Naniniwala kasi ako na hanggang kaya pang ayusin, ayusin pero kung hindi na talaga maayos, yung tipong I did my best but it wasn’t enough for someone, I’ll give up the fight especially kung may nagmumukha ng tanga at kawawa.
50. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
51. Is there someone you will never forget?
52. Share a relationship story.
Just read my blogs.
53. State 8 facts about your body
expressive eyes :3
I have a dimple in my right cheek
my body easily reacts and produce bruises
my hips is my ticklish area
I have moles just above my left b. And under my umbilicus :P
shoe size 8
54. Things you want to say to an ex
“Thank you for everything.”
55. What are five ways to win your heart?
Be spontaneous or just be yourself.
Show me, don’t tell me.
Make me feel special
No hesitations in our relationship.
Let me be myself when I am with you.
56. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?
3 years gap..
57. What is the first thing you notice in someone?
58. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?
Intentionally seduce me. haha :)
59. What is your definition of “having sex”?
I think this is not necessary.
60. What is your definition of cheating?
It destroys YOU
“You are just lying to yourself, because from the very start, you’re the one who strive to earn his/her trust.”
61. What is your idea of the perfect date?
We will meet somewhere, then we will go to his place or my place..
Watch movie and enjoy each other’s company..
62. What turns you off?
Physically, smells bad and looking dirty sweating!
Emotionally, Always having second thoughts.
63. What turns you on?
Physically, His signature scent and the way he brushes his fingers to his hair. Mesmerizing.
Emotionally, sweet. I couldn’t resists.
64. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
Sing in front of me, even you are a certified Banyo Singer. haha :)
65. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
Mestizo with very expressive eyes.
66. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
When someone waited for me, then kahit gabi na at maaga pa kami para sa sched kinabukasan, naglaan parin siya ng time para makasama ako. naglakad around intramuros then we sit in a corner, Nagkwentuhan kami and he gave me a chocolate bar.
kapag naiisip ko yun. kinikilig parin ako. I feel so safe when I am with someone I know who loves me.
67. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
I don’t know but surely there is! :))
68. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
who cares as long as it is right.
69. What’s your dirtiest secret?
70. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?
I can’t actually remember.
71. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
earlier this day when my niece asks me :)
72. Who are five people you find attractive?
Adam Levine, Andrew Garfield, Enrique Gil, Mark Caguioa, Mark Cruz
73. Who was your first kiss with?
My elementary crush
74. Why did your last relationship fail?
we both failed.
75. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
How long has it been? A year or months maybe? I honestly don’t know..
Last time I checked, I was still very much happy and oh so in love. Yet, here I am back in Tumblr and just had the urge to nag and be emo.
It’d been 6 months and 11 days since we broke up. I’ve been better though, yet there…
I almost cried because of this post…
(but I am happy that you can somehow express yourself more… through writing.. and comparing yourself to an ad. SERIOUSLY)
*Just save yourself from drowning.. the most difficult thing to do especially if you don’t know how to swim *(not a joke) or if you do know how to swim… you never know how long would this take.
We all have those “Days”. But just like what Dory (in Finding Nemo) said… “Just Keep Swimming… Just Keep Swimming”
and let’s just add… “Better days are coming” then Repeat!
I love you Gelo. :)
Not so painful after all. :) #thoughts #random #makathangisip
I can be.
Being the nice girl and the bitch in one. :))
HMM.. Certainly I am happy and contented with what I have right now… but I think my life would be more exciting if I can have a Boyfriend and a travel Buddy in one? ahuh..
(*note to self: no to clingy side)
Just a thought. I think I don’t just need a person beside me, I need someone who could “enjoy/endure” what I love and hated to do, and vice versa..
A person who genuinely smile, cry, be angry and be awesome in front of me.,
anyway, I’m travelling.. hope to bump him in his way. :)